There is certainly a side of me that moves through life with strength and confidence. And then there is an underlying side of me that stumbles through life with a heavy sense of inability and incapability. At nearly 40 once should not be so lost.

It is this underlying self that has always been the one to write in these pages. I recognise her now.

Has she been ‘the truth’? Has she been the truth of me? Perhaps the humanness of me.

I shunned the world a few months ago.

Yet, is it the world? And if so, why has the world been reduced to such a phenomenon? I refuse to any longer take part in the farce. But if I show up elsewhere, does that make me a hypocrite?

What is it about anyway? Is it about the Inc? Is it about safety? Is it about protecting what’s mine? Or is it about society at large?

I don’t know anymore.

I want to make my mark.

A mark.

But I don’t know what that mark was ever destined to be.

I could have been so many great things.
So many great and incredible things.

But I will face the day tomorrow. I will wake to see another day with oomph behind my tired skin and welcome the day’s possibilities with open arms. I will feel deeply grateful that God humbles us like this. It is God, after all, Who keeps it real.

This underlying self?
It’s not real.